Rob “Fresh Prince of Bill-Air” Biller
Observer Contributor
Week Four of the Correlieu Secondary School Floor Hockey season is traditionally the week where the sheep are separated from the goats, the wheat from the chaff, the pretenders from the contenders. It would appear the Mighty Pucks, Narwhals and Benchwarmers are staking claims to “contender” status.
High Noon, Tuesday, Feb. 18
Benchwarmers 11 - NHL Rejects 2
Rylen “Drop Kick” Murphy (whom the “Fresh Prince” frequently mistakes for his former teammate “Nearly Headless” Nick Falloon) got things started early for the Bench Warmers, and the onslaught never stopped. “Drop Kick” ran out of fingers to count on while still holding onto his stick, so we’ll say he had five for the game. “Fletcher” Christian Daoust was strong in his own end all game, while Andrew “Stretch” Armstrong and Jake “the Snake” Beaudry tore it up at both ends of the floor. Kaden “Nothing Rhymes with Ekstrom” was stellar between the pipes, even for a bizarre sequence where his own teammates peppered him with random high-quality shots. Ekstrom’s best save was a go-go-Gadget toe extension that had older ‘tenders like “Glam Chowder” and the recently-retired “Suitcase” wincing and grabbing for imagined g-g-groin injuries.
Pressed into duty between the pipes, Makenna Maxwell “Smart” played well for the ladies despite the lopsided score. Cassidy Nykirk “Cobain” was a buzz saw on the forecheck, while Ashley “Home Furniture” Langille and Danielle “Monster” Gamache were dangerous offensively. Gamache and Nykirk would finish the game with a goal apiece for the NHL Rejects.
High Noon, Wednesday, Feb. 19
PCKU 1 - Narwhals 11
Easily the most entertaining and best-attended lopsided game of the year saw the flashy, fast Narwhals race out early and never look back against a game PCKU squad. After giving the “Fresh Prince” an earful for previous omissions in this column, Yewta “Put Me in the Paper” Plamandon proceeded to contribute very little to the PCKU offence in his first game with his wing out of a sling. “Put Me in the Paper” wasn’t the only PCKU sniper feeling snake-bit though, as Justin “Coho” Salmon PCKU rung both the post and the crossbar before it was all over. Probably the best PCKU chance was a two on “oh my goodness” that was stymied by the quick lateral movement of “Nearly Headless” Nick Falloon in the Narwhal net. Colby “Cheese” Couturier was the only PCKU scorer to bulge the twine, but strong performances by Lief “the Lucky” Scott, Ashleigh “Low Bridge” Langille, Riley “Show and” Telford, Tatum Mueller “Report” and “Riders of the Purple” Sage Mycock bode well for PCKU heading into the last half of the season.
Tyler Fenton “Stratocaster” scored a bunch for the Narwhals, while Brock “Rhymes with Block” Weightman whiffed on a late penalty shot to avoid a spot on the scoresheet. Despite no offensive stats, “Rhymes with Block” is the champion of the all-effort team, running so fast his shadow had to catch a cab to keep up. Narwhal captain Dawson “Creek” Rusk apologized to the “Fresh Prince” for a quietly muttered curse that the zebra didn’t hear, proving “Bill-Air” not only doesn’t see real well, but he also doesn’t hear worth a hoot either. “Party On” Garth Rasmussen also had a strong game for the Narwhals.
High Noon, Thursday, Feb.12
Mighty Pucks 13 - Riley’s Rangers 3
The Rangers were able to fill out a roster in a timely fashion, but they were simply no match for the hungry, battle-tested Mighty Pucks squad. Rangers ‘tender Alex Stewart “Little” was overwhelmed by the onslaught but did manage to pull off a couple of beauty saves. At the other end, Pucks goalie Taylor “Slip” Knott wasn’t called on to make many saves but stood tall on the few shots the Rangers could muster. Closer to the heart of the matter, Damon “Geddy” Lee continued his strong play offensively for the Ducks, while Ty “Seagull” Wasyliw spent most of the game shaking hands with the opposition goalie … I mean forechecking. Kainen “You Try and Spell This One” Van Verdegem tallied a beauty for the Rangers in the losing cause.
A small, surly crowd spent far more time riding referee and Nordiques malcontent Fred “I Can’t Read the Scoreboard” Rogger about his casual approach to officiating. Though his vision check is obviously overdue, Fred “Kerry Fraser’s Hair” Rogger proved his ears worked just fine, as he responded to the rapier barbs from “”Dirty Mike” Grogan and “Glam Chowder” McDowell.
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