High Noon, Tuesday, March 3
Benchwarmers 0 – PCKU 1
The week’s first game was an unexpected scrimmage for bodies out of the crowd. For reasons beyond their control — illness, bad attendance, poor table manners — the Benchwarmers were unable to field a full lineup. This was particularly stunning, as they occupied the first overall position in the standings, while PCKU was winless on the season.
Still, fans were treated to an entertaining game of pickup flockey, with the sort-of-Benchwarmers scoring an overtime goal to win 8-7 (though it was always going to be a 1-0 loss). The regular cast of PCKU stars — Lief “the Lucky” Scott, Justin “Coho” Salmons, Colton “Wing in a Sling” Thon, Ashley “Low Bridge” Langille and Riley “Show and” Telford — shone in their first big “W” of the season.
High Noon, Wednesday, March 4
Lucky Pucks 3 – Riley’s Rangers 9
Never strong on the details, the Rangers gave up an immediate penalty shot in this one, as they continue to struggle with the twin concepts of gym strip and timely arrival. Once the game got started, though, the Rangers played a strong game aside from their usual casual approach to back-checking. Attempting to wrestle the title of least-liked team in the league away from the Nordiques, the Rangers once again pulled their goalie against a beaten team (though this time, there was at least an equipment malfunction to blame). Reggie Dunlop must be getting ready to call Adam Hansen “Brother” and Riley Hansen “Brother” before the start of the Federal League playoffs, as both had excellent games offensively. Taylor “Slip” Knott played well for the Rangers in goal until his mask broke and he had to sit down to feel shame.
Amelia “Earhart” Musselman and Lauren “Don’t Live in the” Pastachak scored for the Lucky Pucks, while goaltender Katie “Old Mother” Hubbard did everything she could to give her team a fighting chance.
High Noon, Thursday, March 5
Nordiques 2 – Narwhals 8
Though the two sides had been a Grand Canyon’s-width apart through the tempestuous negotiations, the floor hockey world was stunned to see the Nordiques and long-time captain and leading scorer Fred “the Fixer” Rogger kiss and make up in time for this big tilt. It wouldn’t take long for “the Fixer” to reward the Nordiques for their generous offer — two Strongbows and a pizza of his choice. After two quick goals by Dawson “Creek” Rusk, “the Fixer” flashed his famous fingers to get the Nordiques back in the contest. However, that is where the good news ended for the Nordiques.
Under siege all game, Jay “Glam Chowder” McDowell wasn’t able to steal another for the Nordiques, as the likes of Zack Lightening “Strikes,” Ty “a Yellow Ribbon” Darragh, “Party On” Garth Rasmussen and Tyler “Keep Your Mitts On” Fenton exposed the Nordiques’ age and fitness level every shift. Wearing gear he borrowed from Andre the Giant, “Nearly Headless” Nick Falloon was virtually unbeatable between the pipes for the unicorns of the sea.